I am, I am, I am.

I am more afraid right now than I have ever been in my entire life.

Do you remember those old cartoons we would watch as kids? Where the character is running down a road that seemingly never ends, and suddenly, there's a cliff! And this character screeches to a halt just before they fall off the cliff, so close to falling that they wobble a little on its edge as pebbles fall down and disappear into the abyss.

That is how I feel right now, teetering at the edge of the unknown, scared and confused, not knowing how I ended up here. What was chasing me? Why did it take me so long to see the edge of the cliff? I never wanted to be chased, I never wanted to be here.

But, I am. I am here and I almost fell but I did not. And it hurts, being here. It feels like I am falling even though I know I am not, and I feel hollow inside, even though I know I am not.

However, knowing and feeling are two divergent things. One is controlled by the brain, and the other by the heart. And the heart often wins.

My brain scolds me. How utterly unprepared you were for this! Shame on you! How could you be so ignorant, so naive? How can you ever trust yourself again? You were so sure about this path you were on! This cliff was not a part of the plan. Your heart read the map so carefully.

My heart said, "Go!"

So I went.

So I went, and I ended up in a place I didn't expect, on the edge of a cliff trying not to fall and wanting to fall at the exact same time. And I am okay and I am not okay at the exact same time.

I am here, even if I don't want to be.

And my pompous heart. It's bragging. Beating away in spite of everything it did to me. Reminding me that I am.

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